How to Get a 100X Return on Your Personal Development with Dave Charlson | Ep #26

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Dave Charlson - consulting badass

Description
Today’s episode is packed with helpful information. Dave Charlson is a high-level executive coach who has a unique ability to draw the best out of people regardless of where they are in their personal or professional journey. 

Here are some of the highlights from today’s episode:

  • How to identify your true “essence phrase”, a phrase which is divinely given to ground and strengthen you. 
  • The two primary types of masculinity he works with and how to help people move to a healthy middle ground between the two.  
    • High Outer – Individuals who have achieved significant success in their career, have strong discipline, and can produce results. 
    • High Inner – Individuals who are deeply connected to their inner world, have intimate relationships with other men, and are well balanced overall internally. 
  • The five primary areas of focus which create the biggest positive ripple effect in someone’s life, how to identify them, and why you shouldn’t try to improve all at the same time. 

Dave has over 24 years of business development experience. He was a mortgage banker for 16 years He has spent the past 10 years developing products for the pet industry and has created, branded and established sales for two products that have generated 16 million in revenue He is currently CEO & President of North American Sales for Authentic Sales LLC, his pet product sales and marketing company that imports WAG dog treats from Australia and distributes them nationally in the US and Canada.

Dave is also CEO of Authentic Coaching Inc, a coaching company dedicated to helping leaders significantly increase performance and fulfillment through the power of Authentic Alignment.  Dave is all about creating safe places for business people to be vulnerable and real about their struggles and brokering the truth of heaven in exchange for their limiting beliefs and fears.  He does this by attracting God’s presence with his dedication to an extreme joy-filled vulnerability and boldly sharing radical testimonies. Dave also coaches a select group of executives across the United States.

David is happily married to his wife Michele and has 4 children ages 27, 21,19,& 17

Links:

Guest:
Dave Charlson’s Coaching
Dave Charlson’s video on shame

Host:
Josh Cearbaugh Consulting
12-Week Course designed to help you find clarity, get unstuck and build momentum
Free 15 Minute Consultation with Josh Cearbaugh

Transcription

Josh  0:00  

Men, we are not simple chest-thumping rock smashing fire-starting barbarians. We have depth. We intensely feel we are scared yet brave. We love to have fun. We’re imperfect and make mistakes. We’re compassionate, and loving. We are multifaceted. Let’s explore the reality of masculinity together.

Josh  0:30  

I am really excited for you to be listening to today’s episode, because my guest who’s also a friend of mine is someone who has worked with the highest level individuals and really brought together a process that helps you identify the areas of your life that you should be working on. And then also, and I’m a big proponent of this, is how to practically engage with those areas of your life in a way that you see change. So, whether you’re someone who is really high performing, but internally, you’re struggling with something or wrestling or feel empty or whatever it may be, or you are somebody who has done a whole lot of inner work, but you have not really found that momentum or that stride when it comes to seeing things come to fruition for you. Regardless of where you lie on that, today’s episode is going to help you move into a healthier middle ground, practically. And so grab a notebook grab something to jot down some notes, because it’s chocked full with the entire process that he walks people through to help them see fundamental change in their life. And as always, if you haven’t subscribed yet, go ahead and do that. And I’ll continue to beat the drum of asking for the favor of leaving a comment or leaving a review because those fuel me and they also fuel this message of healthy masculinity. Alright, without further ado, let’s get into how to find that healthy middle ground that moves you to your most authentic self. Well, I have, like I said before, I wanted to start to add voices to the conversation of masculinity. And there are less than I’d say, three or four men that have contributed to where I’m at today, as well as I respect and rely on or where I’m headed. And the guests that we have today is one of those men. And so I’m really excited for you guys to be able to glean from his experience and wisdom and gifting and we’re also just so you know, sitting out on his back patio, so when you hear the birds chirping and it’s not the normal quiet setting, I actually kind of like this a little bit better. So, but without further ado, this is Dave Charlson. How’s it going, Dave? 

Dave Charlson

Good. I know you can’t say it because you know we’re doing this publicly. But of course I am your favorite. You tell me that privately all the time of those three or four men? I am of course your favorite.

Josh  3:26  

It’s kind of like the grandparent that says every grandchild their favorite. So sure, yes, I totally am.

Dave Charlson  3:33  

Well, I believe it. I believe it. So you’ve fooled me into believing that I’m your favorite. I guess the other two or three are also your favorites. And they think the same thing. 

Josh  3:41  

That’s the trick to intimacy with men. Make them all feel like they’re the favorite.

Dave Charlson  3:45  

Cool. 

Josh  3:46  

Now, what are we talking about today?

Dave Charlson  3:49  

 I want to talk about one of my favorite topics is inner capacity versus outer capacity. 

Josh  3:56  

Okay, that sounds really interesting. What the hell does that mean?

Dave Charlson  4:02  

That’s a good question. So, I have a coaching business consulting business much like you and I attract a lot of people that have developed massive outer capacity. Meaning they’re experts in their fields, they’ve produced a lot of external results. And they’re attracted to me because they get so far out there and their inner world is in they either have imposter syndrome, or they find that they’re not enjoying their success. They’re successful, but they’re not fulfilled. So I think of that person as someone that has built up their outer capacity muscle, it’s almost like their right bicep is massive and they’re left bicep which is inner capacity is atrophied. And then I also sometimes attract people that have massive inner capacity, but they are like spring-loaded with potential energy and have not and they’re scared to death to go out and create some outer capacity. 

Josh  5:02  

That’s fascinating. Yeah. So let’s take each side of things and kind of talk about how you plug them into the other biceps, per se, or how do you strengthen that other muscle. So let’s start with the guys that say they have the outer capacity. They have the nice cars, the quote unquote, success, the ability to launch businesses or grow businesses or excel in their career, whatever their outer capacity may be, when they are either in that tension where they’ve achieved that success but aren’t satisfied, or let’s say, I mean, there’s some guys that listen to this, that they’re on their way to that they haven’t necessarily gotten to that Pinnacle. But they know that there’s something is amiss there. They can feel that other muscle kind of being ignored. How do you connect men to that other side of things when they have achieved 

Dave Charlson  5:57  

Great questions. So I find interesting thing is, the guys that have just in some ways just numbed out their inner world and gone and achieved they are in a worse place than the guy that instinctually knows you know what I’m not going to go build this outer muscle without my inner muscle also coming along for the ride. So I want to encourage those guys number one that you oftentimes those guys that kind of have mediocre success, I find themselves comparing themselves to these guys that have achieved this monumental and they’ve they just look Teflon solid. The cool thing is when you get to coach those guys their F’d up, right? So if you’re one of these people that’s like, Oh my gosh, I’ll never get there. Don’t be discouraged, like you actually probably are playing the long game. And so I certainly want to speak to that person. 

Josh  6:50  

Yeah, absolutely. 

Dave Charlson  6:51  

And then, but the other guy, the guy that’s already out there. So I’ll speak to that guy, the guy that’s achieved massive outer success. But he’s either longing for fulfillment or really is in a tense place where their marriages struggling, or their dating life sucks, or they just feel like a fraud and that they’re going to get found out at any moment I track those people. The first thing I do with them is usually they’ll come to me with a problem, like I have an anger management problem, or I have a porn problem, or I can’t connect with my wife. 

Josh  7:25  

They have a symptom problem.

Dave Charlson  7:17  

They have a symptom problem. And I never ever-ever treat the symptom.  Ever. I’ll go you have an identity problem. 

Josh  7:34  

Wait, what?

Dave Charlson  7:34  

Right. And they’ll go, well, how do I fix an identity problem and all I’m concerned with is getting them back to their first love to the childlike, innocent inspired place that drove them. And, so the first thing we do is I just do some interesting things. And allow them to ignore their symptoms and go back to the root of where it all started.

Josh  7:58  

That’s really good. A different thing that I’ve seen that I’m actually really curious, especially because you work with those high level individuals is, how do you and I’ve wrestled with this personally is for guys that let’s say that they have reacted to their pain, or they’ve essentially shut it down. But let’s use a common example. I grew up poor, and so I’ll never be poor. Right?  And so then that actually fuels their drive, they wake up early, stay up late, they’re the hustler, all of that. How do you connect them to that identity, that true identity that inner world and actually help them heal that part of themselves, but not disengage the good side of drive that helps them move forward?

Dave Charlson  8:50  

Yeah, so number one is, I literally won’t even, I barely allow space for them to moan about their symptoms. I’ll go we’ll get to your symptoms. I know you’re in pain, because usually guys kind of because they’re in pain, right? So guys don’t go to get help. We’re not a lot of us aren’t good at vulnerability. So unless the pain’s massive you don’t reach out to a coach and a lot of us don’t. So the first thing I do is I say we’re going to do something that’s a backdoor that will. So I do something called the essence exercise. It sounds woo-woo. But if you were to put 20 pictures of you on the wall and two or three of your close guy friends, we were to pick out which one of those pictures captures Josh’s essence, you’re doing different things. Like I have a picture of you on my phone and it’s of you out on an elk hunt. And there’s something about the smile on your face. It’s not what you’re doing. It’s just there’s something about you. Your eyes look wild. You look like you’re living life to the full and I’m like that is Josh. so when…

Josh  9:56  

I thought you were going to reference the picture you caught of me kissing the butt of a statue when we went to Reno.

Dave Charlson  10:03  

That also captures your essence. But the Elk Hunt one is the one I choose to focus on. 

Josh  10:09  

Yeah. Okay. All right, good to me too . 

Dave Charlson  10:11  

That’s another aspect of you essence, in that butt statue kissing.  Yeah, I think I said I would give you $5 to do that or something.

Josh  10:17  

 You did. And then you said you’d use it as blackmail. But now I just outed myself, so it just kind of diffused that.

Dave Charlson  10:24  

So, the essence exercise, we do a 360 on the person and I send a list of words that describe human beings in a positive way to them, and then they send it out to their friends and family. And they end up with a list of about 30 words that they picked five words and some other people picked five words to describe who they are. And then from that we take those words and I guide them through a process where we end up with only eight words, and then we end up with one word that connects all eight of those words. And a lot of these words that come from other people, Are people that this person doesn’t see themselves as, let’s say disciplined. They don’t see themselves. So what it does is it, puts them, we create a space where they, they get to challenge some of these notions about themselves. Why do I feel like I’m a fraud when six out of 10 people see me as strong and disciplined? So we’ll have this moment where they have one word that is divinely inspired that allows them to connect to who they are outside of any performance. So it’s almost like we create this space where…and then from there, and I help them engage those parts of their heart that they shut down in that process, but it’s a positive approach to it, right? The confrontation with the lies and the vows of poverty, like I’m never going to be poor that kind of gets flushed out in that process. But it doesn’t feel as threatening to those strong places in them that they’ve created these self-protective patterns from that vow. This is like kind of a positive way. And it and what they’re left with is kind of a new, fresh start childlike, exuberant, innocent place where they can then begin to describe themselves to themselves again from free of all the constructs that they’ve built. 

Josh  12:18  

Yeah. And I think I remember doing that, but specific for your gift. I remember there’s, and maybe this was a different exercise that really impacted me meeting with you. Was that because of your relationship with God, you actually pulled a phrase, which was actually two words.  That encapsulated all of those other essence words for me, and, you know, it wasn’t on that list. We were talking and you’re like, you know, I just keep hearing the phrase apostolic Maverick. And To me, I literally have a reminder on my Alexa that goes off periodically. I’ve said it so that I don’t know exactly when it goes off. And it literally just says, Josh, you are an Apostolic Maverick. And it’s time for you to be revealed. And so that one phrase is really something that I’ve been able to anchor in to keep me moving forward on kind of that external side of things.

Dave Charlson  13:22  

 Yeah. And what I like about the essence exercise is it doesn’t matter if someone comes to me with their outer capacity muscle big, or their inner capacity muscle too big is it? That essence exercise, and I do have a gift like that, that is that exercise is something I’d developed over 20 years.  And it really allows my essence to come. And I get those I’ve done it now over 150 times and nine times out of 10 that phrase comes from me, and it is definitely a divine gift that I have that allows people to see themselves from a fresh perspective.  And I won’t let when we do that work, I won’t let it end until I’m 100% satisfied that that person has had that epiphany.  So we’ll keep going at it until they get it and we’ve never failed. Like I’ve, I’ve had the most shut down heart people. It doesn’t matter like that moment happens for everybody. Actually, I just had a call a couple weeks ago from a guy that I did it with him a year and a half ago, and he called me just to say, hey, that thing we did a year and a half ago, it is suddenly blowing up in my life, I can’t thank you enough. So I know. I have that assurance that that’s going to be one of those moments that is kind of like a reset for everybody. One way or the other, it’s going to work its way out.

That makes sense, it’s the essence. So wherever you’re off kilter, it’s moving you back to that center.

And then from that place, you can re-described yourself who you are outside of any rule, and then you can recalibrate your why. And then the why becomes the bridge that then now transforms your hows and your whats. And so your hows and your what’s… How and what’s like, how am I going to do this? What am I going to do? Those always have your essence in them. But oftentimes, you’ve built those out of a vow of like, I’m never going to be poor again. And so by the time you get out there you feel so far from who you truly are inside. And so getting that fire rekindled allows for a realignment.

Josh  15:33  

Yeah, yeah, and I remember times where you would piss me off because I would be whoa is me or I would, I mean, I was in pain or I was grieving, right? You know, there was things that felt real to me. And out of that I was making poor decisions at times. And I distinctly remember the times where you go well, Josh, but that’s not you know, I understand that you just did that or that you feel that Or that you think that but that’s not you. And I remember internally going, what, what are you talking about? Like, no, this is me, I chose to do this. I am acting out this way I am feeling like, you can’t tell me this is not me. It is because I couldn’t see that back to that essence piece. Now I understand, okay, it’s not me in the sense of what I’m choosing to look at or engage with, is not me. It’s not the truest sense of me. It’s not that essence part of me. And you would help me kind of re-plug into that truest version of myself and essentially recalibrate and keep moving forward. 

Dave Charlson  16:48  

Yeah, one of the most extreme versions of that is I had a client who I did the essence exercise with. He got on fire. Everything was cruising along. He’s an event space creator and he landed a gig with like, the longest standing fashion iconic company ever and did a big thing in Beverly Hills and like was just, I mean, like, outer capacity was just… we got to reconnect to do is inner capacity. And then he took it out into the world and it was just like, Oh my gosh, like you are now internationally known. And his outer capacity so exploded that he ended up having a moment where he made some bad decisions around his marriage, and was kind of called me in a shame place. Like I’ve blown it and all the work we’ve done is for not I’m so sorry. Like, almost like, I know, you’re going fire me as a client too. And I had had that, I think the most important thing whether it’s through a coach or a consultant is you have at least one person in your life. And there are certain people that are gifted at this. You’re gifted at it is where they’re so good at creating a mirror place where you can see clearly through their feedback, you get glimpses of who you really are. And that person holds that space for you. You know, accountability to me looks like someone not shaming you for bad behavior or for giving you a discipline accountability program to beat yourself up. But it’s someone that knows who you really are, and can just remind you, dude, that’s not who you are. And so I did that for him on the call, he goes, this is going to be a heavy call. And he done some behavior that was really shameful to him. And I said, No, this is not going to be a heavy call and I go because that action is not who you are. And he same reaction as you. He’s like, dude, that is who I am, I did it. And I’m like, No. And there’s some shameful behaviors that all of us indulge in, whether it be thoughts, where it’s, it’s so connects to an old identity that is so protective and if somebody can be genuine and authentic, and just say, I don’t care how shameful what you did is I know that’s not you. It’s like the biggest gift we can give each other as friends or coaches or consultants. It takes practice and skill to learn how to do it. But also, even if you don’t have friends that are good at that, if you get locked on to it, you can actually get your friends to help you do that. You can say, hey, that Bible scripture that you’re giving me right now or this accountability plan, that’s actually not what I need right now. All I need is just a space to kind of vomit this stuff up. And have you remind me that that stuff isn’t me. And I don’t care. I’m not, nobody I know is good at doing the vomit. And there’s even less people. And the reason we’re not good at it is because we’ve done it in the past and people have handled it wrong. They’ve used it almost as a weapon against us to kind of to assuage their own insecurities. And now I can help Josh and I can look like I’m the knight in shining armor. And the best thing I can do when someone does that, I can go dude, I’m no different than you. I’ve done stupid stuff. I still struggle with those temptations, but I’m here for you. And let’s help each other remind each other. So I do some crazy stuff and coaching. I you know, I recently called you and two other guys when I had one of the biggest failings in my marriage, and I remember calling you and thinking in my mind, if I tell Josh this, our friendship is going to be over. Because he’s going to go hey, if you treat your wife that way, I didn’t hit her. I didn’t do anything where the police would come but I was very insensitive to my wife. In a way that I knew would hurt her. And that’s the hard part about having a good marriage is you can you have the goods on your spouse and so in a moment, you can you know. So I feel like I betrayed her. In terms of I heard her was insensitive in a way that, that when I called you for help. You were like, well dude thanks for telling me that and I’m here for you.  And that I’m here for you part was and you didn’t say, well, what are you going to do to fix this? You didn’t you know, you were just like, Okay. Well, what do you want to do next? Like, well, we’re still friends. You’re like, yep. Right. And I’m like, Okay, well, I didn’t expect that. So that’s cool. Because what I had done was so tied to this shameful place of hiding in me that to expose that to anybody other than God felt like, imminent destruction. And I think that was a pivotal moment, not just for my marriage, but for me as a man, you know, and it’s, it’s these really tender, vulnerable places where we come out of hiding that feel really risky. That we all we all need those places.

Josh  21:48  

Yeah. And I think it was also a couple points with that is; One- You didn’t just call any Tom, Dick and Harry. We have 6,7,8 years,  seven, eight years of building trust. And so we have the relational equity that we’ve created the space for one another in that. And I always say you need at least one no more than three people of the same sex that you can reach out to,  that you’ve built that trust with, invite them into those spaces.  Another thing you said that I think is really important is; sometimes we are afraid to share things with God, even though he sees and knows everything. But he’s also the safest person to share with because he’s unconditional love is the essence of unconditional love. Some people hide their shame in their relationship with God because they’re terrified to let anyone else see it. Because we are human. You know, it’s no guarantee that we have unconditional love.

Dave Charlson  22:53  

Yeah. And I will say this in the beginning of this journey, because seven, eight years ago, I moved to Redding and had no friends.  And you know, you and I began our friendship back then. But in my beginning of this journey, you know, I went to a men’s group, and we shared in a small group, and it was an artificial environment where guys were learning how to do what we do now. Right. And it was just an environment where it felt risky, but the room was sealed with confidentiality. And I think sometimes in the beginning, you have to find it could be a therapy group, it could be a group of men that kind of informally do what we were doing, but you just. So before I met you and didn’t have any friends, I would go to God with this stuff. And he would sometimes would just bring the face of somebody to mind to call that I barely knew. And I go, and I would call and I wouldn’t necessarily go and do a deep dive like you and I did. But I would share a little bit and sure enough, the person will go, oh, man, I’m totally here for you. And it began to build what you and I have. Just that posture of, I’m going to find out some way to find places where people handle vulnerability well, and there are little oasis’s everywhere. And sometimes it might not be everything you need. But if you get a little piece here and a little piece there, you can begin to build that muscle up to where you can get rid of the junk that’s defining who you are, and be able to see clearly enough to dive into your essence and know who you are. 

Josh  24:26  

Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. So back to the two extremes that men fall into. Is you know, we’ve touched on and I know the essence piece or the essence exercise moves people to the center, regardless of where they’re at. Can you give some practical application for guys that were like me in the sense of, you know what? I feel self aware. I’ve been pursuing; personal development, personal health, inner healing. Any and all of that. And I just can’t seem to hit my stride or build momentum. So that external that feels either foreign or scary or unknown or impossible. Like what are some other than meeting with you, and committing to a process. What are a few things that you can give our audience where they can start to plug into practical ways to move them from the inner into building that momentum in the outer?

Dave Charlson  25:31  

Yeah, so most people that have overindulge in their inner capacity, or have built it up to the point where it needs to be connected to action, they’re stuck in what I call the ER loop, which is the education revelation loop. So meaning usually, if you find yourself reading a lot of books, listening to a lot of YouTube videos, and then spending your time in coffee shops, talking about your latest epiphany, that’s all great. And you can feel like you’re making progress. But at some point, the rubber has to hit the road. And so for the rubber to hit the road, I challenge people to create what I call vital behaviors. So number one is; you’ve assessed the heck out of yourself. So the four steps are; assess, dream, decide, act. So if you’re an inner capacity person you’ve done plenty of assessing, you’ve probably done some dreaming, but usually your dreaming doesn’t have any practical deadlines attached to it. Right? So the first thing is; you have to change your dream and actually have some measurable goals within the next three to six months. That’s step one. Take your flowery, poetic, juicy dream and put something that is bolt on a practical and then and then announce it to someone that’s going to like ask you about it. Like how are you doing with that? Right? So that’s number one. Number two is; to then decide what are the two or three things and no more than three, that you’re going to do rhythmically, and at minimum every week that you believe are going to propel you towards achieving that measurable goal. And so that I call so it’s assess dream, and then decide you make a decision, these are the two to three things and you  have to just be willing to be wrong, because those two or three things that you pick, three weeks later you might decide, actually, those aren’t the things I need to be doing. And you can change them, but you have to make a decision, and I’m going to stick to these for two weeks or three weeks. So you decide and then you act. An act means you integrate it into your calendar. And you have some way to measure whether you did it every week or not. I use a weekly checklist, and it’s just a checkbox, and I just say I did it or I didn’t. And that’s it. So that’s how you connect inner capacity to outer capacity as you go from dreaming, you change your dream so it has a practical aspect of it. You make a decision and pick a vital behavior, something that you do rhythmically, that you believe, and you only pick two or three of them that you believe are going to allow you to achieve that goal. And I usually recommend only focusing on one area of your life to do that. We overestimate how much we can integrate, especially if we’re used to not having the rubber hit the road.  Does that make sense? 

Josh  28:17  

Yeah, it really does. 

Dave Charlson  28:18  

And then you create a feedback loop where you don’t completely disconnect from your inner capacity work. So at the end of each week, I will tell people, take a minute and measure. Because when you go out into the implementation integration part of this, you can tend to go back into old habits, especially if you’re really good at your inner capacity work, you can begin to disconnect from who you authentically are, you can begin to go into old performance patterns that kind of drove you to enter capacity work to begin with. So the way to integrate these worlds and make sure that you don’t get off track with your inner world is just a quick metric  is what percentage of this week  do I feel like I was connected to my authentic self? And if your answer is 40%, that’s actually pretty good. Because most of us, if you really pause and measure it on any given week, I’m, I’ve been doing it week after week after week, and on a good week, I’m maybe 50 or 60%. And I’m fine with hey, 40% of the week I checked out. I was performing you know, I mean, I just had a call this morning before this call. And I would say, I don’t know, maybe that was a pretty good one, maybe 60% of the time I was authentic. The other 40% I was in some weird performance thing. Trying to make myself look bigger than I was or shrinking down to seem humble. Oh, you’re the expert on that.  I mean, rather than just holding my own, like, I’m not the expert. I’m just here contributing the value that I think I can contribute. 

Josh  29:56  

Yeah. That’s great. What are, because I know that I’ve been guilty of it where, you know, you get these moments of inspiration connected with decision and you’re like, you know what, I’m going to set a budget, I’m going to run three miles a day, I’m going to change exercise and I’m going to meditate as well to like, get everything checked to the box. What are you know, you said to it’s best to focus on one area. Do you have, you know, two or three or four or five, kind of primary areas that you can kind of look at and weigh and go, Okay, you know what? This is my either weakest area, or this is the one area that I want to focus.

Dave Charlson  30:40  

Yeah. So I do an assessment with my clients. And it’s really simple. I use seven areas but the top I would say you don’t have to do seven. Usually, you’ll know kind of what the two or three ones that have the most juice on them are. So like for me right now mine are my finances, My health, and my work. Those are the three areas. I feel pretty good about my relationship with my wife actually feel really good about it. So I’m not overly focused on that. My friendships are in good shape, so I’m not really. So  there’s three areas. So the areas I would suggest looking at are; finances, work, your spiritual life, your mental life, relationships. What else oh and fun. 

Josh  31:30  

That’s a big one. 

Dave Charlson  31:31  

So, I think of it this way. I think mind, body, spirit, body’s health, spiritual life is spiritual life. And mind is more kind of like, how am I doing? Do I have obsessive thoughts? So, mind, body, spirit, fun, work, relationships, finance. And I rate those 1 to 10. So I can do that in about 10 minutes, just 1 to 10 those seven areas. And then usually one of them will kind of jump out at me. I only allow myself to work on two areas at a time. That doesn’t mean that I’m not paying attention to the other stuff. But I kind of let that hum along as normal. And I push in to either one or two. So right now I’m pushing into my health and my finances. And then I have, and I’ve been doing this for a long time. So I’ve learned that I have the capacity to really have no more than one or two vital behaviors in each one of those areas. So like right now my vital behavior for health is I go on a walk every morning. I’ve been doing that now for 60 days. And it’s become like, automatic. I went for a walk this morning. And I what I used to do in that area, though, was what you talked about before, which is, oh my gosh, I’m overweight, I’m out of shape. I’m going to sign up for this triathlon four months from now. I’m going to go on YouTube, and I’m going to do exactly what this season triathlete recommends that beginners do. And it requires 10 vital behaviors. And I’m actually going to do all those and sustain that for three months, I’m going to do the event. And then it’s all going to come crumbling down because it was too much too soon for me, even though I followed the beginner’s plan, and at the same time, I’m going to get my debt paid off. And I’m going to deepen my relationship with my wife. And I’m going to go on three vacations a year with my kids and my family. Right? I would have this shine 

Josh  33:21  

Sure, huge plan. 

Dave Charlson  33:23  

Yeah. And now it’s like, I’m going to take a walk every day. Right. And what happened was after 30 days of taking a walk, every day one Saturday, I woke up and I went, I want to go for a swim. And it just was natural. So I went, well, I’m going to go swim this morning. And then the next week, and it’s like, I’m going to swim and going bike because it just feels natural. And so after like 60 days of that, I’m up to walking 30 miles a week, which is the equivalent of a marathon I don’t do it all on one day, and I’m doing a mini triathlon every other weekend. But it’s coming from this. It started with just I’m just going to walk everyday. Right?

Josh  34:01  

Yeah. And how has let’s use the walk as an example focusing on the physical for you. How has that created a ripple effect into other areas?

Dave Charlson  34:12  

Yeah. So here’s the cool thing is any area where you’re not accomplishing your practical goals, everything connects to everything. So if you even though I’m not focused very much on my finances a little bit, I’m letting everything else just kind of be on maintenance. What’s happening is because I had to come face to face with what’s really what I’m really believing deep inside about my health and myself. Whatever  you’re stuck in, getting breakthrough in that one little micro area, it’s usually the same pattern that’s blocking you over here and over here and over here. So if you dare to kind of ignore everything else and focus on this one area, what you’ll find is after about 60 days to 90 days, you’ll suddenly spontaneously have breakthrough in other areas. So like my wife and I’s relationship has improved a lot because she’s watching me overcome stuff that she’s seen me struggled with for five years. And it’s, there’s this attraction that’s happening, she’ll say, I am so proud of you. I’ve never seen you be so consistent with this and I’m not even listening and she’s just so it’s her level of respect for me is going up and like any man, I love being respected by my wife. So and my love language is words of affirmation. So I’m getting that that tank filled without working on it at all. It’s just a natural outcome of that. 

Josh  35:45  

Okay. Yeah. I love that. I absolutely love that. I think there’s so much value in consistency. Right? I mean, I know myself as well as so many other guys they hide in inconsistency. Right? Where if you can keep restarting something, you don’t have to keep the pressure on it long enough to find out where you’re hiding.

Dave Charlson  36:07  

And the thing about consistency is, like you said, it kind of forces you out of hiding, because you’re going to have a bunch of mediocre performances, right? And you have to just be honest, like, well, I’m mediocre right now. Whereas if you just focus on like the Facebook worthy or Instagram worthy moments, you can kind of create this delusion that you’re super awesome all the time. I’m mediocre, and I’m actually proud like, and I feel like being honest with my mediocrity is giving me the potential to build on a foundation that can have me have these shining moments that in the midst of it’s I think the hardest thing for me is sometimes I just feel the dullness of that. That’s it’s like men lead lives of quiet desperation. And I’m more connected to that now than ever. It’s like, Huh, but there’s some comfort in it like admitting, yep, I have some areas where I’m just kind of, it’s just kind of quietly desperate for now.  And it’s okay, it won’t stay there forever. If I can just settle into it and not flinch, not want to run from it and create some new amazing, Instagram worthy moment. Like a triathlon that I finished and I had the metal around my neck,

Josh  37:33  

And then your pendulum swings the other way to Donald’s.

Dave Charlson  37:36  

Yep, exactly. 

Josh  37:37  

Yeah. Well, I don’t know about you. But I feel like I just had a session with you. Because there’s so much. It’s kind of like, I feel like we open to the firehose of depth that you offer. And so thank you so much for taking the time. How can it I mean, if if somebody’s listening and they’re like, oh, wow, I need to find Dave because I need him to flip my world upside down. Two things. One is; practically how can they find you? What are you up to? What do you have going on?  And also, what is one or two things outside of everything else you’ve shared, that you would want to say to the audience, just out of your heart from where you’re at right now.

Dave Charlson  38:25  

Sure. So number one, my website DavidCharlsonCoaching.com and my last name is CHARLSON coaching.com. I have a virtual retreat coming up executive retreat at the end of September. And then I do one on one and group coaching. So you can hook me up that way. And then the two things,  the thing I’m most passionate about is helping people overcome shame. And there’s a video I have called shame, demystifying shame. I can’t remember. If they go on Vimeo and type in demystifying shame they’ll probably find it.

Josh  39:11  

We’ll add the link to the show notes. 

Unknown Speaker  39:13  

Okay, cool. But in that video, the easiest way to know that you’re in a shame situation versus fear, because sometimes fear is just like, Oh, I feel stuck, I feel paralyzed. Shame has its own flavor. If it’s shame dominant if the stuck feeling shame dominant, it’s usually you’ll know it because you’ll be angry at the world or you just want to hide so you either want to be blaming everybody or you want to be hiding. And the easiest way to overcome that is with two things. It is healthy vulnerability, which could just be sending someone a text say, Hey, I’m struggling. It doesn’t have to be a big you know. Healthy vulnerability, just a little tiny dose of it is all you need to kind of help pop you out of it. And then compassion. Because, as you say it out of your mouth, I’m struggling usually most guys feel like oh, god that feels weak. It feels De masculine. And you know, it feels. And it’s just to have compassion for that part of you that isn’t necessarily the masculine guy that you want to be yet. So that’s it just healthy vulnerability and compassion. Those two can unlock a lot. 

Josh  40:21  

That’s it?

Dave Charlson  40:21  

Simple yet awesome. So easy, oh my gosh. After this I would just, that’s a 2 step process.

Josh  40:21  

2 step program to your authentic self. Well Dave, thank you so much, like I said already it’s been a privilege and an honor, to not only have you on as a pod cast guest but as a friend. I attribute who I am today in large part to you being one of the voices that has brought me to this place. So, thank you for lending your strength and your wisdom to our audience and to me throughout the years.

Dave Charlson  40:21  

Yeah, thank you for doing something for men, because there is not a lot happening for men so, I just really know that more and more men are going to come to this because it’s hard for men to find this. So thanks for consistently creating the space and going for it because I know however long it takes, the number of people that will be attracted to this will grow and grow. Because I don’t see many place where this is happening. Yeah, I am excited to be in this space.

Josh  40:21  

Awesome. Alright that’s it.

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Episode 16